tak adil, maka aku terkilan

i hate myself rite now! but i am supposed that i cud handle myself..i am me n i always cud. but allah selalu menguji umatnya. just look at these few days...OMG! rasa cam nak bunuh diri jek... apa saja yang aku buat, lalui, lihat, rasa dan alami...smuanya tentang itu. dan perlulah ia berkisar tentang itu. yang paling tough so far, what had happened last nite n today. dah lah i went to visit relative kat hospital...sangat sesuai utk aku terjun dari tingkat 7..huhuhu...but takpe...segalanya ada hikmah...well...walaupun aku agak TERKILAN ttg apa yang terjadi recently, aku harap aku tough la..mungkin luaran ye, tp dalaman...hanya allah jek yang mengenal umatnya.

sebenarnya sangat banyak benda yang aku tak puas hati tapi terpaksalah aku pendam sendiri...mangsa yang terdekat is my bestfriend tp tak smua aku bleh luahkan pada dia...there are certain things yang masih berkubur tanpa nisan.

honestly, aku terkilan sangat sebab dia tak memahami aku. dan juga tak CUBA memahami aku. he didn't even give me a chance to say it all, to decide n to help. he is so unpredictable-that's the most suitable term to describe him at this moment. what he did was to decide for me and made me to follow what he had decided without any compromise. pendek kata, ia SANGAT TIDAK ADIL BAGI AKU. tapi aku tahu...dia tak akan pernah heran dengan statement nih. sebabnya...dia dh buat keputusan and takkan berganjak. i know him..i just know him. whatever, i am still here n care for him. cuma aku juga perlu bersikap 'selfish'.

~sayang always~

akhirnya aku dah pun buat keputusan. mungkin ini yang terbaik untuk aku dan dia. dan mungkin ini adalah apa yang dia mahu juga. so basically, aku dah tunaikan apa yg dia nak.
betapa sakit dan perit for me to decide on it. but, i think i have to. ini bukan isu dia tak nak bebankan aku, tp aku yg selama ni membebankan dia. selama ni aku yang buta dan tak reti bahasa. he said it out clearly but aku yang tak nak terima hakikat. bodohnya aku kan? benda yang senang difahami pun aku tak bleh nak faham. in fact, dah lebih kurang 5 or 6 tahun benda ni berlarutan. ye la...aku kan bertepuk sebelah tangan. mana nak berjaya..bengap betul aku nih. (",)
belajar tinggi2 tp benda simple macam ni pun lembabs.
apa pun, aku doakan yang terbaik untuk dia dan tinggallah aku sendirian dgn bayang2 aku sendiri. tinggallah aku dengan satu-satunya benda yang aku ada which is kenangan2 di kala gumbira dan sedih bersama dia.

sayang always.

~~

ngantuk tahan extreme!

utk renungan bersama dan khas utk cik khome ^_^
dgn ucapan: hayatilah...siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedas. sekian.

snippets

1) tanggal 10/10/09 baru2 nih, genap 5 thn arwah bapaku meninggal..kejap jek rasanya duration 5 tahun tuh..macam2 dah jadi dalam pada masa tuh...but then, even though he wasn't physically in the world anymore, his sailors' friends still keep on visiting us the family. our bond with those sailors are still tight to each other...kadang2 me as the youngest daughter didn't even realized whether they are our relatives or just a family's friends. ye la..my gap in the family is way too wide. i confessed that i don't even know the whole history of my family and relatives due to my age. . i wasn't even exposed to, indirectly maka, aku la ahli keluarga yang kurang mengenali kaum keluarga secara umumnye...hehehe or huhuhu....

this is my beloved late dad

2) semalam tiba2 teringat kat nasi goreng kerabu makcik HS Cafe masa kat UIA dulu. masa zaman campus dulu, hampir tiap-tiap malam aku n zura gi order kat HS Cafe. hampir tiap-tiap malam tuh adalah malam-malam kitorang ada practice theatre. tp yg kadang-kadang 'bengkek'nye ialah bila makan kat dalam theatre hall, mesti ada 'lalat2' yang datang menghimpit kat nasi goreng kerabu kitorang.(lalat2 tu were our boyfriends plus abg2 senior yg tak malu gak ^_^) cacat tul...tapi takpe la..kata kongsi rezeki...tp tak leh bagi muka pun ngan diorg nih...tang nasi goreng kerabu kitorg, sedap ajek...tang suruh pi beli sendiri..mulalah ada alasan yang nasi diorg tak sedap lak...huhuhu..walaupun gerai makcik HS Cafe tuh ada macam2 citer keliwon, kitorg pedulikkan jek...sebab kitorang dh kena mandrem ngan penangan nasi goreng kerabu dia...hehehhee...

3) since i was like in primary school, there is one kedai makan operates nearby my kawasan rumah. so, sampai skang walaupun kitorang dah pindah to new house, we do still go to that kedai makan. tapi semenjak aku dah dewasa nih..aku lebih mengada-ngada skit in terms of demanding order. nak dijadikan citer, kat kedai makan nih ada satu mamat ni who is the son of the owner. we called him Edika coz his face is just like edika-one of the most popular hero remaja zaman kakak2 aku. dalam ramai2 pekerja kat kedai tuh, edika nih sorang jek yang buat air sedap. among fav aku adalah teh ice, nescafe ice and kadang-kadang milo ice. seriously, kalo org lain buat mmg tak sedap.hanya edika sorang jek sedap..kan kan cik khome?? sampai bapak edika nih dh tau kalo aku dtg n edika takde, aku takkan order air. but if edika ada, edika sendiri yang akan amik order aku. edika kata kat aku, dia mmg ada mandrem2 skit pun dlm air minuman buatan dia tu..hahaha...pedulik apa aku..dia punya minuman yg dibuat tu mmg cukup2 rasa lah... btw, the story is.......edika is no longer working at the father's shop! ada family prob skit and he migrates to KL. so skang, sapa nak buat teh ice n nescafe ice aku nih!!! uwwaaaaaaaaaaa....

p/s: khom, air neslo ko hari ni (14th) tak sedap la! uwek!

chayok2 mizleo!!

what a week this week. very the bad one.... sekejap jek dah jumaat..tp keje bukan semakin kurang, tapi semakin berlambak dan naik meninggi...bilik office dh macam tempat recycle kertas jek. sini sana kertas...sini sana files assignments...sini sana pen merah, pen biru, pencils...sini sana botol air..sini sana macam-macam...nasib ada bola-bola api. ceria skit hidup dalam bilik office ku ini.

talking about work and me specifically as a lecturer, students ni kadang-kadang boleh menyakitkan hati. tapi tak kurang jugak yang boleh menyejukkan hati. but then, yang menyakitkan hati lebih banyak dari yang menyejukkan hati.huhuhhu...

however, this morning..hati aku sejuk jek tengok student aku yang sorang nih...haish...allah jadikan muka dia sangat tenang and tatkala tengok dia...tenang jek hati aku. not only me but to my other colleagues as well... hopefully, hati aku akan tenang sampai ke petang ler...tapi rasanya tak kot. sadiskan? takpe2..berkorban untuk nusa dan bangsa.

chayok2!!!

kalau tiada angin, masakan pokok bergoyang

i just came back to work from a very long 'holidays'. one week for cuti raya and another week for cuti sakit. i missed the whole one week with my students which i regreted so much. they'll be having their real sace exam end of this month to early of the next month. so much to be revised and so much to be motivated. that's one thing.

another thing is, when i came to work yesterday, colleagues and students had been asking the same questions - "how r you?", "miss sihat?" etc.. Some of them have been asking such question because they knew my condition and some of them who didn't knew my condition, had uttered the question because of my physical appearance. i looked tired and of course not as happy as i always am. it is just tooo awkward when people asked me - "farrah sihat?" and i answered - "tak sihat". if i were to say "farrah sihat", sure they will ask further question blablabla...and i also did received a very first greeting from a clerk in the office where i did punch my card with "selamat kembali farrah"...hahahaha...sekurang-kurangnya aku pergi dan masih kembali and not vice versa....nauzubillah....

so, the moral of the story is rasa macam loser jek bila kita sakit and orang tanya kita sihat ke tak. at one point, soalan tu agak berbunyi bodoh (tapi takleh nak salahkan orang tuh sbb dia tak tau). and perasaan yg tak dapat digambarkan bila kita nak jawab yang kita sebenarnya tak sihat. baru aku tahu perasaan dua manusia itu. dalam kes ni, aku lah orang yang bodoh yang menanyakan soalan "kau/awak sihat tak?" bengap tul farrah nih %$%(^#@(*

~incoherent thoughts~

incoherent thoughts.

the most suitable phrase at this moment. so many things to be think of. but yet, none of it has an answer to the questions. wait! does it need an answer? do all questions require answers? hhmm...

why my thoughts are incoherent? what was i thinking of? was it a BIG problem after all? do thoughts need to be BIG to be think of?

at this very moment, being an optimistic is no more a guarantee. i used to depend on positivism and everything happened in this world should not be blamed and cried over. we need to be happy-go-lucky. do not mess ourselves with small and sad things.

GO OPTIMISM!!!

but now???

things happened for a reason and we shall look after it and the wisdom it brought to us. most people overlooked it. when the are already in trouble, then they will chase after the light. what happened to the dark-darkness? it used to be comforting at any seconds...but now why look after the light??

why?